The past few posts
The last few posts were written late on at night when I was not paying attention. This has resulted in me opening up a little bit more than would normallly happen. This has also resulted in some very weird (by me standards when reread thismorning). This is because I don’t remember typing them with that musch emotion. I have also noticed that when I read through them not all the facts were put in so what I have decided to is edit them without deleting the old posts so you can compare. This will hopefully mean that they make more sence
The crazy touched mind of me
I have been described as touched. This is due to the fact of my crazy tendencies and the fact thaat I have become the random element in conversation that no one can understand. Over the past few months I have developed a few complexes that I cannot describe. These are the following:
I have started to feel that if someone touches me that I want to recoil. Unless I give him or her permission I start to want to back off away from the person. A good example of this is I hate to be sat to close to someone. It makes me very uncomfortable. I cannot describe the horrid feeling that I get and also the unnerving need to want to run away . This worries me slightly as I don’t know how to overcome this. I wan never like this before. Do I need to get myself a girlfriend that I can get to understand me to remove this barrier or is it just a phase which I am going through. I find it really hard to imagine myself with a girlfriend, as I have never thought about it before. This is probabilly due to the fact that I am very shy and feel as if I could never open up to somone that deeply.
This is also where the mild paranoia does not help. I have this image of myself that I want to project but I am constantly bombarded with mirrors that tell me that I have not achieved this look. I need to find a decent hairstyle and a way of expressing my self either in clothes or in some other way (perhaps a tatoo or goatee). They also tell me that I have spots that I cannot do anything about and constantly annoying stubble which grows way to fast and becomes very rough. I have at one point managed to wear away a shirt because I kept turning my head around and that was when I had shaved the night before. I also have this image of myself in my head and this does not correspond with my image in the mirror which adds to this conflict of inner and outer me. I have not ever tried to figure out why this is but will do.
The last reason why I am touched I my mind. It is in tatters. I cannot concentrate on anything for to long without being distracted. I am having troubling linking topics in conversation because I think to far ahead of the conversation and then speak. As no one can follow my reasoning they all think that I am weird and laugh. A good example of this is a couple of days ago I wandered off (topic and mentally only of course with just random responses while I thought) in the middle of conversation about something I cannot remember and then I just blurted out “would giraffes be good at deep throat”. This got everyone laughing but I could not remember how I came to that conclusion. This is also the reason why I cannot in my mind ever see me finding a girlfriend that I could relate to and see myself going out with without her being the same.
What is hapening to me
Friends and my self pity
I have lost the ability to laugh about life.I care about everything to do with the world around me and feel as I have been drained of all enjoyment. At the same time I feel as if I don’t carea bout what anyone has to say.
All my college mates are very friendly and I love them dearly and when I am away from college I miss them. This is the opposite for my gaming mates (GDCI). I have found myself drifting apart from them and with the announce that Dave is leaving it feels like the end of an era. I will have to find a way of staying in touch with my gaming mates but I have found this rift is to do with the gaming life itself.I want to live in the real world and find it harder and harder to enjoy playing games like dungeons and dragons without an amazing amount of effoert which remmoves the enjoyment factor. I have aslo come to terms with the fact that I am a medium gamer and all my mates are either better or the same no matter what. I have found that I don’t care at all whether they beat me and I have lost that feeling of constantly needing to win and improve. Yet I am not a masterI need a change. I need to help myself in somway find that spark again.I want to hang out with my friends from college more and more but they don’t seem to want to. This is due to the growing schizm between me and my gaming mates.What can I do in my year out that means that I could do something with my college mates without departing from GDCI. I don’t want it to end up like when I left primary school where I just severed all ties with the friends I made there and never saw them again even though I live next to the school.I am so depressed at the fact that in my year out I could end up with no friends at all to help me throughHave I created a mask that I wear that has some how clouded my judgement. Have not seen something important in my life that could explian why I feel this way or is it just me trying to get around the fact that I am stressed and don’t want to lose the routine of college.AAAAHHHHHHHH
The crazy touched mind of me
I have been described as touched. This is due to the fact of my crazy tendencies and the fact thaat I have become the random element in conversation that no one can understand. Over the past few months I have developed a few complexes that I cannot describe. These are the following:
I have started to feel that if someone touches me that I want to recoil. Unless I give him or her permission I start to want to back off away from the person. A good example of this is I hate to be sat to close to someone. It makes me very uncomfortable. I cannot describe the horrid feeling that I get and also the unnerving need to want to run away . This worries me slightly as I don’t know how to overcome this. I wan never like this before. Do I need to get myself a girlfriend that I can get to understand me to remove this barrier or is it just a phase which I am going through. I find it really hard to imagine myself with a girlfriend, as I have never thought about it before. This is probabilly due to the fact that I am very shy and feel as if I could never open up to somone that deeply.
This is also where the mild paranoia does not help. I have this image of myself that I want to project but I am constantly bombarded with mirrors that tell me that I have not achieved this look. I need to find a decent hairstyle and a way of expressing my self either in clothes or in some other way (perhaps a tatoo or goatee). They also tell me that I have spots that I cannot do anything about and constantly annoying stubble which grows way to fast and becomes very rough. I have at one point managed to wear away a shirt because I kept turning my head around and that was when I had shaved the night before. I also have this image of myself in my head and this does not correspond with my image in the mirror which adds to this conflict of inner and outer me. I have not ever tried to figure out why this is but will do.
The last reason why I am touched I my mind. It is in tatters. I cannot concentrate on anything for to long without being distracted. I am having troubling linking topics in conversation because I think to far ahead of the conversation and then speak. As no one can follow my reasoning they all think that I am weird and laugh. A good example of this is a couple of days ago I wandered off (topic and mentally only of course with just random responses while I thought) in the middle of conversation about something I cannot remember and then I just blurted out “would giraffes be good at deep throat”. This got everyone laughing but I could not remember how I came to that conclusion. This is also the reason why I cannot in my mind ever see me finding a girlfriend that I could relate to and see myself going out with without her being the same.
What is hapening to me
Friends and my self pity
I have lost the ability to laugh about life.I care about everything to do with the world around me and feel as I have been drained of all enjoyment. At the same time I feel as if I don’t carea bout what anyone has to say.
All my college mates are very friendly and I love them dearly and when I am away from college I miss them. This is the opposite for my gaming mates (GDCI). I have found myself drifting apart from them and with the announce that Dave is leaving it feels like the end of an era. I will have to find a way of staying in touch with my gaming mates but I have found this rift is to do with the gaming life itself.I want to live in the real world and find it harder and harder to enjoy playing games like dungeons and dragons without an amazing amount of effoert which remmoves the enjoyment factor. I have aslo come to terms with the fact that I am a medium gamer and all my mates are either better or the same no matter what. I have found that I don’t care at all whether they beat me and I have lost that feeling of constantly needing to win and improve. Yet I am not a masterI need a change. I need to help myself in somway find that spark again.I want to hang out with my friends from college more and more but they don’t seem to want to. This is due to the growing schizm between me and my gaming mates.What can I do in my year out that means that I could do something with my college mates without departing from GDCI. I don’t want it to end up like when I left primary school where I just severed all ties with the friends I made there and never saw them again even though I live next to the school.I am so depressed at the fact that in my year out I could end up with no friends at all to help me throughHave I created a mask that I wear that has some how clouded my judgement. Have not seen something important in my life that could explian why I feel this way or is it just me trying to get around the fact that I am stressed and don’t want to lose the routine of college.AAAAHHHHHHHH
posted by Adam McConnell at 6/12/2005
2 Comments:
mate its ok to feel like this. shit i do more than i'd like to admit.
come to a hardcore gig, that's where i learnt to let go of all the worry and stress and shit in my life and just love it for what it is.
oh yeah and fuck image. integrity is what matters.
Damn right Matt. Oh, and let's hang out after college Adam!
Francis
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